Bill Clinton
(1999)

Let me start out, Mr. President, by thanking you for giving me the opportunity to talk to you.

BC: Well, thank you. I've always been a man of the people. And you can call me Bill, or even Slick Willie.

Much has been made about the affair with Monica Lewinsky. Just between you and me, what really happened?

BC: Well, the records clearly indicate sexual encounters between myself and Ms. Lewinsky. I cannot deny that we had an affair. But, I was not the one who initiated the affair. Even the Starr report clearly indicates that she first approached me while we were alone in the Oral, I mean Oval Office. She then lifted her dress and showed her buttocks to me.

This was the "Thong incident"?

BC: That's correct, if that's what you want to call it. She showed me her thong underwear. It was a thin strip riding between her thick buttocks.

How thick were they? She is a bit husky, isn't she?

BC: She is very husky and her buttocks were very husky as well.

Were you stimulated by her actions?

BC: Well, pardon the French, but it wasn't the nicest piece of ass I've ever seen. Hillary's was much nicer, but that was back when she used to show it to me. Not as good as Flowers' either. I'd rank it right above Reno.

OK, so here you are Mr. President, having some fat slut moon you, for lack of a better expression. You could have fired her or just walked away. But instead you chose to perpetuate the affair. Why?

BC: Had she wanted a relationship, I probably would've had her killed. But she didn't. The fact of the matter is that she liked giving good head. And that's something I hadn't had since Gennifer Flowers. And when you're talking about BJ's, it doesn't matter how fat she is, how much of a slut she is, or whether she's an intern or not. When it comes to BJ's, all of that gets literally put out of sight.

Did you lie under oath about the affair?

BC: I did not lie about the affair at all. Not under oath. Not ever.

You never lied about the affair? What about when you went on national television, pointed your finger, and said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"? Are you saying that your denial wasn't a lie?

BC: That's exactly what I'm saying.You mentioned that I was pointing my finger, but you didn't mention who I was pointing my finger at. When I said I didn't have sexual relations with that woman, I was pointing at Donna Shalala.

So you're saying that you've never had sexual relations with Donna Shalala?

BC: At the time I made that statement, I didn't have any recollections of having sexual relations with Ms. Shalala.

Moving on to the investigation and Impeachment hearing, what do you think of Kenneth Starr?

BC: I don't know who that person is. That name doesn't sound familiar to me!

Mr. President, what are you doing? Please put the table down. Could you please get a hold of yourself?

BC: I'm fine. I'll get Hillary to pay for a new table.

Speaking of the First Lady, there has been a good deal of speculation about her future once your term is up. What do you think will happen?

BC: Hillary is a go-getter and a very powerful figure. She reminds me of Tammy Wynnette. She can do whatever she has her mind set on doing.

Is Hillary the Devil to whom you gave your soul up in order to become President?

BC: Well, I guess that depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is.

Is Janet Reno really J Edgar Hoover?

BC: Again, that depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is.

Is Al Gore a robot?

BC: Once again, that depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is.

Is Linda Tripp a big fat bitch?

BC: Oh, hell yeah!

Finally, what are your personal plans once your term is up?

BC: Well, I'm looking forward to finally having an extra-marital affair without having to worry about Hillary, Congress, or the public finding out. Because even if they do, I don't give a damn. I just want to have the same rights as every other middle-aged married man in this country. And frankly, I don't think that's asking too much.