Bill Gates
(2000)

Mr. Gates, it is a privilege to meet you, the leading pioneer of the computer age.

BG: Thank you. I think it's great to communicate to all the people over the Internet. Hello everyone!

When did you first become interested in computers?

BG: When I was young, I started playing Pong. It was very fun at first. Very exhilarating to see the ball go back and forth. It was like having a tennis match in the privacy of your own home. Today, I do have a tennis court in my home. But it's not quite the same as playing Pong.

So it was Pong that lit the flame on your quest to become the richest and most powerful man in the world?

BG: Like I said, Pong was fun at first, but it got stale after a while. Later I realized that computers could do so much more.

You dropped out of college to pursue your life with Microsoft. Would you tell other college students to do drop out in order to follow their dreams?

BG: Frankly, I don't care what they do. All I know is, it worked for me.

There has been a wide movement to put some sort of control on the Internet. Critics point to the widespread amount of pornography out there. What is your position on Internet regulation?

BG: First of all, let me say that I am probably the biggest consumer of internet pornography in the world. When I first discovered the concept of the Internet - a network of networks - I foresaw people like myself, especially myself, downloading pictures of nude models for free. What a great time to be alive!

Besides the smut, what's your favorite part of the Internet?

BG: Without doubt, I would say places that feature interviews such as this one.

What's your least favorite part of the Internet?

BG: Anything that's not using Microsoft Internet Explorer.

What do you have to say on the Y2K issue?

BG: I'd say if you have Microsoft products, you have nothing to worry about. We are familiar with the Y2K problem. But if you don't, start replacing your items with Microsoft products immediately.

Can you grow a mustache?

BG: No.

A couple of years ago, you made a commercial for some golf clubs. You certainly didn't need the money, so why did you do the endorsement?

BG: Well, there's always been a public perception that Bill Gates is not "regular". By that, I don't mean people think I'm constipated. People just don't look at me as an everyday guy. The reality is that I am just a "regular" guy that plays golf just like everyone else. It's just that I own the golf course.

That's a nice painting on the wall. It has outstanding texture and a balanced tonal range. Is it a Monet?

BG: No. It's an original Renoir.

Are you an avid art collector?

BG: Not really. I spend most of my time collecting smaller companies.

And many of your critics would say buying out the competition is bad for the economy and bad for society in general. What do you say to your detractors?

BG: I say "To hell with all of those mother fuckers! I'll own all of those little bitches! They'll be my fucking whores!

Mr. Gates, could you please refrain from using profanity?

BG: No! I can do whatever I want! I'm the king of the world! I answer to no one! I rule the . . . rule the. . .

Are you OK? What are those strange noises coming out of your head?

BG: ERROR . . . COMPENSATING . . . STAND BY. . .

Here, why don't you have a glass of water?

BG: RELOADING . . . SHORT-CIRCUIT . . . SHUT DOWN

Mr. Gates? Mr. Gates?