Rogers Cadenhead
(2002)

Well, here we are with internet visionary Rogers Cadenhead, who is probably best known as the creator of "Cruel Site of the Day." Welcome.

RC: Yes, thanks for having me.

What inspired you to develop Cruel.com?

RC: Well, back in 1996 a former colleague of mine, Glenn Davis created "Cool Site of the Day", which captured the parts of the internet which were deemed by mass culture to be cool, trendy, hip, etc. I've always believed in balance. You know, Ying-Yang, that sort of thing.

Isn't he the guy that plays for the Mavericks?

RC: No, no. I'm talking about something different. Try to pay attention. For every Kenny G, there needs to be a Miles D. Each Gladiator must be met by The Giant Gila Monster. Cruel.com represents the other side of what the internet has to offer. The side that isn't represented through AOL, MSN, Hampsterdance and Cool Site of the Day, among others. Cruel.com represents the bitter aftertaste of the internet.

Has there been any animosity between you and Mr. Davis?

RC: Glenn and I remain cordial.

With all due respect, certain reports have indicated otherwise.

RC: All right, I know where you're going with this. The truth is that the rumors were blown out of proportion. In the end, the DNA tests proved that it was not my urine.

Is Glenn Davis the Devil?

RC: Listen, I'm a class guy. You're not talking to George Lucas here. I don't go into mud-slinging accusations. So I'm not going to come out and say that Glenn Davis is the Devil. But what I can say is this: Glenn Davis is not not the Devil.

What are the big advantages of being King of Cruel.com?

RC: Well, having the Cruel Site of the Day minions is certainly a plus. They do it all for me: grocery shopping, upholstery cleaning, the works. I also get a 10% discount whenever I shop at ComputerWorld. AOL has been quite kind to me; they keep sending  me CD's that offer two months of version 7.0 for free. But at the end of the day, what makes my life special are the dozens of Cruel Site of the Day groupies; they are always eager to please.

Would you say that they're Cruelicious?

RC: No, I wouldn't say that all. That's not something I would ever say. Not ever.

Sorry about that. I'll just stick with my original questions form now on. OK, where was I?

RC: You've got a snot hanging out of your nose.

Really? My nose, which nostril?

RC: Made you look.

Ah yes, the noted Cadenhead wit. I should have saw that coming. Besides yourself, who do you think has the wittiest material on the internet?

RC: Well, there's Brunching Shuttlecocks and The Onion, just to name a couple. But even those sites have gone gone commercial, with the banners and pop-ups. A lot of the truly Cruel sites have hit exit 404 on the information superhighway. It's a shame that sites like Dysfunctional Family Circus and William Shatner Sing-A-Long have left us in exchange for gratuitously slow-loading flash designed horseshit like jibjab.com. The internet used to be a veritable cornucopia of ideas and expressions that came from individuals from around the world. Now it's gradually turning into a giant conglomerate, commercialized clusterfuck.

I definitely share your concern. Assuming that it isn't dead already, at what point do you think the "old" internet will die?

RC: Once they start putting banners and pop-ups on Google.

Speaking of apocalypses, have you seen the latest Star Wars installment?

RC: No, and I don't plan to. George Lucas is a dick.

I couldn't agree more. I hypothetically interviewed him once, and it was awful. He made Dabney Coleman look like Fred Rogers. Speaking of which, have you seen the latest Dabney Coleman show on CBS? He's not the star or anything. It's just another law drama. I think he plays the evil Supreme Court Justice.

RC: As a matter of fact, my brother-in-law is the producer of the show, and your capricious recollection of the program is quite misleading. The program is called The Guardian, and it comes on Monday at 10:00 P.M EST, right after the talking baby show.

Fair enough. Finally, I have one last question. Actually, it is more of a request.

RC: Go ahead.

Is there anyway you make one of my pages "Cruel Site of the Day"?

RC: (Sigh) Listen, you seem like a somewhat decent guy, but you have to understand something. My Cruel Site of the Day minions and I get tons of these types of requests each day. There are only so many days in a year. I can't just grant you Cruel status just because you ask. You have to earn it.

Well, I thought that it'd be neat since this page included you. . .

RC: OK, try to follow along: If I grant you Cruel status just because you hypothetically interviewed me, then every computer geek in the world is going to want to hypothetically interview me. I can't allow that precedent to take place.

But I have other pages. I've got other interviews and even a page dedicated to Gay Robots. Plus some other stuff. Can you at least take a look?

RC: I'm sure one of my minions has already seen your material. And if this page is indicative of your web-design skills, then they probably trashed it at first sight.

What do you mean? I'd consider my style "old-school". Wouldn't you?

RC: There is a difference between "old-school" and "archaic". I don't even want to hazard a guess as to what you used for this. Who drew up the navigation for this site, the captain from the Titanic?

All right then, how about a hypothetical bribe?

RC: I'm assuming the hypothetical inteview is officially over.

It is now.