Unabomber
(2001)

Let me start out, Mr. Kaczynski, by thanking you for this exclusive interview.

TK: Yeah, no problem. If I was gonna give any interview, it'd be with you.

I imagine you've received several requests. Is that correct?

TK: Well, the first one was Larry King. And there was no way in hell I'd talk to that bastard.What's he on, his seventh wife? And how old is she? Twenty maybe. And they've had a kid. That pervert makes me sick! He's worse than Hugh Hefner.

So you do not approve of these "May-December" romances?

TK: May - December, I don't have a problem with, as long as it's the same year. With these wrinkled old farts, we're talking May 1999 and December 1899. And they're not romances. It's just a case of rich dirty old men, trying to get as much as they can before they die.

What do you think causes this?

TK: I blame it all on Viagra. Take Hefner. The playboy becomes a senior citizen. And once he gets his AARP card, he realizes he can't get his dick hard. So the mature gentlemen that he is, he decides to settle down with the latest playmate of the year, get married and have another kid. Well, then the Viagra revolution comes along. And once he can get his little wrinkled pecker up again, the old goat leaves his 29-year old wife, to bang as many college girls as he can! That's a damn joke.

I've heard that he has settled down recently. Is that correct?

TK: If you want to call banging 19 year old twins settling down, that's correct. It just pisses me off. If a 21 year old guy falls in love with a seventeen- year old girl, it's called rape. But if a 78 year-old goat like Hefner, is nailing 19-year babes, there's nothing legally wrong with that. What a completely deluded country live in!

OK, you make some good points about problems in our society. Is this why you became a murderer?

TK: This was just a big misunderstanding. I wanted to play a joke on an old colleague of mine. I wanted to put a few cherry bombs in a package and have them detinate once he opened up the package on his birthday. Well, I wanted it to make an impact, but I overdid it just a little.

What about all the other victims. Were their deaths just misunderstandings as well?

TK: No. Once I figured out that I wouldn't get caught, I started thinking of all the people that have pissed me off in my life. Kids in high school. Students of mine in college. Jealous collegues. Motorists who cut in front of me on the highway. What a great way to get even!

So are you saying your victims were all people you had personal vendettas against?

TK: Most of them were. Toss in a few innocent bystanders, and that pretty much covers everyone.

What about your views on technology and our society? What about the Manifesto? Where does that come into play?

TK: That's just something I made up on the fly. I figured it would make the "Unabomber" more of an engima, like J.D. Salinger or Bobby Fischer. As far as the Manifesto goes, most of that is stuff I copied from obscure radical textbooks. Even though the content in there is pretty wild, I tried to make it as long and dull as possible. And it worked. As a matter of fact, I can guarantee you that no one has ever read my complete manifesto.
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How can you be so sure?

TK: Hidden deep in there are a few dirty limericks, my chili recipe, and the complete speech given near the end of "Animal House".

Do you mean the one after they shut down the frat house? The one with "NIEDERMEYER . . . DEAD. . . .DEAN WORMER . . . DEAD!!"?

TK: That's the one. Now you tell me, if these scholars and pundits who claim to have read my manifesto really did, don't you think that they would have noticed?

These are some very shocking revelations. Motives aside, are you bitter against anyone?

TK: Well, there's my brother who turned me in after I refused to co-sign his home loan. But the thing that pisses me off more than anything is the people responsible for that Unabomber sketch before I got caught. That doesn't look anything like me! They made the Unabomber look like Wierd Al Yankovic for heaven's sake!

What do you think of Wierd Al?

TK: I really liked his older stuff, like "Eat it" and "Another one rides the Bus", but he should have quit when he was ahead. His act started getting old right after "Smells like Nirvana."

Do you get any contact from former students?

TK: Yeah, I still get shmucks who want me to change the grade on the paper they did over ten years ago.

Who was your favorite smurf?

TK: I liked Jokey, for obvious reasons. But I also liked Brainy. He was a visionary who went against the grain. His views weren't accepted by the rest of the group. But he stood up for what he believed in.

Wasn't he the one that always got kicked up the air like a football after he said something radical?

TK: Yeah. But realistically, who the hell is gonna kick him that far? Sure, there was Hefty, but he wasn't always around when Brainy would say something unpopular.

Finally Mr. Kaczynski, do you have anything to say to the families of your victims, or the public in general?

TK: As a matter of fact, I do have something to say. Even though I'm supposed to be against technology and all that stuff, I encourage you all to visit my official website at www.unabomber.com. There's plenty of information, bombing tips, and merchandise available. Have fun!